A Friendship Ruined?

I never meant for all this to happen, you know. This journey into bi-curiosity did not begin with being interested in you.

Before this, I was feeling like I had finally found my place in the world. I had my relationship, my family, my friends, my friend group. Where I fit in. All the pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Then, I gained interest in the opposite sex.

I met the most lovely trans woman. It didn’t start out as anything. I wanted to be friends with her, she was so cool. I thought if I got to know her, I would have an entry way into the LBGT world. I could learn, meet new people, figure out how to talk to girls as interests.

We talked, we hung out and played video games together. I was able to talk to her about my feelings and concerns going into this. I never felt judged. It was just so comfortable to me, being around her. She was such a wonderful friend.

One day I went to go to hang out with her; I looked, and she was drop dead gorgeous. It blew me away. Her hair was of warm sand, and her eyes were the color of melted chocolate. I thought, “Well, shit!”

I had caught the feelings. What the fuck was I going to do now?

It didn’t end there. She showed interest in me too. But she was also resistant. I pushed. I jumped the gun. I kissed her. I felt nothing.

Then why didn’t the interest go away if there was no spark? No fire.

Because, don’t you know, fire is man made? Chemistry is just getting the right combination of elements. The right timing. Heat, passion, the right settings. Chemistry can be made between people. Hope cannot be broken because the future is always changing.

I am a train that runs on an unfinished track. I knew nothing was going to happen. I asked, and no, there wasn’t any of those feelings from her for me. She felt nothing for me. Kissing me felt like nothing. But I am bound to wreck. I knew what I was going to do. I had to go out with a bang.

I propositioned the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, knowing she would turn me down. It didn’t hurt. Why didn’t it hurt, if seeing her interest in others hurts? The entirety of these emotions are confusing me. I made her awkward, uncomfortable, the girl I had been so cool with.

She told me I was interrogating.

Me? Tiny little me? No one would be intimidated. I felt so confused.

This person I had been so comfortable with had judged me after all. I was grasping at the strings of happiness. It tore me. Not the rejection, but the judgement. The fact she was so uncomfortable with me now.

I tried to apologize. But when I was talking, she started to walk away. She didn’t even stay near me long enough for me to promise to never put her in that kind of situation again.

Now there is nothing. Very little words, response, she doesn’t talk to me. I have to talk to her. Ks are the ice picks in the heart of the messaging world, and I am bleeding out.

She says don’t worry. I worry too much. We are still cool. She does that with everyone. But it wasn’t like that when she thought she liked me. It confuses me. I am not used to people changing who they are, how they act, unless they don’t want that person around anymore.

I never meant for this to happen. I wish I could turn back time and play it cool. Not go after her. Not be there the day she stole my breath. Not kiss her. Let it all grow.

But where is it going now? Have I completely lost it all?

Advertisements

One thought on “A Friendship Ruined?

  1. This sounds so awfully confusing. If I may attempt to analyze please foodie me if any improper assumptions are made. I hippie I can give out some helpful advice. It seems you’ve felt yourself to be an outsider. And you spoke offeeling like you found “your place”. Maybe the place you found is not one you belong but one you felt you are supposed to accommodate. If you are our were in a relationship but finding yourself longing for something completely different maybe there is something inside you screaming to be satisfied. Especially since you “caught the feelings” maybe your draw to women is deeper than just an attraction. Obviously you can have feelings for any type of person, but if you are newly experiencing it so openly I wonder if it is truly new or something you tried to bury. Have the men you’ve found yourself attracted to been more masculine or more feminine in ways? It could give you signs towards what your subconscious had been begging for. I would urge you to (if still in said relationship or another one) take personal inventory as to why you ate with that person. Is it just “good enough” or do you find yourself needing more? If you need more, how much more? Never settle. If your conclusion is more, then spread your wings and set yourself limitless free to find that true happiness in the kind of person you need in your home and heart. The trite kind of happiness you need within yourself. Cause if more is what you desire that is not likely something you will find while molding yourself to be someone you are not for someone you may not be compatible with. I hope by now maybe you have sorted something on your own. And maybe you are happy with your partner and this was just an awkward discovery for you that you were unsure of how to handle. But, I beg the question if you DO need more what is the likelihood that they do also if you are distant? Times of self uncertainties are often the worst times to devote yourself in even part to another individual. It either ends in an explosion of pain or with living your entire lives pretending to be who you cannot be and unhappily so. I hope neither are the case for you. You seem to be a kind and loving girl who is very lordy and not sure of where to begin on her journey of self. Best of luck. I hope this head given enlightenment if it was needed. I apologize though if I am improperly assessing your entry though.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s